


we're heading in the right direction

by holy1_hell1



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Buck Centric, Buck Whump, Communication, Getting Together, Kinda, M/M, Team as Family, buck stands up for himself, they actually talk things out for once
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:07:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25422148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holy1_hell1/pseuds/holy1_hell1
Summary: "No, no I'm not." His voice is cold and devoid of any emotion, he was tired of being told his emotions weren't valid, he was tired of being treated like a kid, "I am not exhausting and you have no right to call me that. I am fighting for my right to work, something that was unfairly taken from me by him." He points at Bobby, who's jaw is slack and surprise is written on his face.orthe one where buck stands up for himself
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan “Buck” Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 278





	we're heading in the right direction

**Author's Note:**

> right so if you read my fic with the same name you know that eddie punched buck, and at the time of writing it, it was based of a tumblr prompt/idea and it never crossed my mind that i was writing eddie as an abusive man, which was never my intention ever. however after posting it, there were posts that i saw critiquing other fics with a similar tone and how they were playing into a stereotype. i realised that i would never want to contribute to something like, so i started working on this one because the main idea was that buck would stand up for himself, in this one, there is no fighting well not physically anyway, everything is verbal and from my knowledge, not abusive. i am a poc and i know the damaging effects of stereotypes and i am deeply sorry for witting eddie the way i did.

**THE WORDS ECHO** , or maybe they don't, but he knows he can keep hearing it, playing on a loop in his mind. ' _You're exhausting_ ', ' _You're exhausting_ ', ' _You're exhausting_ '. 

"No, no I'm not." His voice is cold and devoid of any emotion, he was tired of being told his emotions weren't valid, he was tired of being treated like a kid, "I am not exhausting and you have no right to call me that. I am fighting for my right to work, something that was unfairly taken from me by him." He points at Bobby, who's jaw is slack and surprise is written on his face.

"I am going to speak, and for once you're going to listen to me," He declares, anger simmering, "I came here to apologise, but I shouldn't have to apologise for your mistake." He points a finger at Bobby, "I am tired of apologising, I was cleared to work, I broke records getting recertified, I passed not one but two pcyh evals that cleared me. I was perfectly capable to work. Hell even Chimney didn't have to go through what I did and he had rebar literally go through his brain, he was allowed to come back in a month. It's been 5 months for me. And in those 5 months, not once have any one of you actually talked to me, not once." He heaves, he gauges their reaction, varying degrees of shock, thought Eddie's is the one that matters to him the most, his best friends, the man he adores and loves beyond the world's measure.

"I - I'm sorry Buck."

"You should've talked to us." It was Eddie that spoke this time and Buck felt rage growing again, Eddie was supposed to be his best friend, the one he could lean on but clearly that was a one way road with Buck.

"Could I? Every time I wanted to talk, do something with everyone, I was dismissed. I celebrated everything with you guys, _everything._ So I 'sucked it up', but I'm tired of being dismissed, tired of being treated like a kid who can't make his own decisions. I was there for you Eddie when Shannon died, I called everyday and I listened. Did you ever call me? You came to drop off Chris and don't get me wrong, I love that kid, I would die for him, almost did as well," He laughs, cause he won't let them see him cry," I woke up in the hospital room alone, none of you were there, hell none of you visited! Ali was the one who took me home, not you guys and you like to call yourselves family, well I must not be a part of it. And I get that you all have your lives but am I that insignificant in your lives? I worked my ass off to get back to the job, medically and mentally I was fit for duty, but clearly you weren't Captain Nash," Buck felt nothing as Bobby visibly flinched at the use of his formal title, come to think of it, Buck's only ever used his formal title once and that was during his first day at the 118, "You should've made your decision an objective one but you didn't." Buck breathes out, almost out of breath and a small part of him is ashamed for doing this in such a public setting but he knows they won't do anything, though a much bigger part of him feels light and free, he finally got what he wanted off his chest.

He watches as Bobby opens his mouth once, twice and then finally speaks, "I - you're right Buck, I let my emotions get the better of me, you were ready to come back on duty, _I_ wasn't. I just couldn't imagine losing you, you're like a son to me and I couldn't lose another one."

"That's the thing Bobby I'm _like_ a son, I am not your actual son. Sure we have the father-son thing going on but you're not my father Bobby. You shouldn't be making decisions about me, decision about my job without me, you should've talked to me instead of going behind my back. this job is everything that I have and I won't let you take it away from me."

"I was there for everyone one of you," Buck's voice wavers but he does his best to keep it steady, he will not cry in front of them, "None of you were there for me. I can acknowledge that I did something wrong, I shouldn't have filed the lawsuit, it was brash and I didn't think it through, I shouldn't have told all those personal things to the lawyer but I genuinely thought that it would stay between the two of us, _but_ you shouldn't have gone behind my back and take away my choice, my right to work."

"You're right, I shouldn't have done that. I was worried about you, I didn't want you to overwork yourself and end up injured again."

"There it is," Buck groans, "You're babying me again, I know my limits, I am an adult, I know what I'm capable of, it's my body and I'm not stupid enough to fuck it up all over again."

"I - I," Bobby stammers and Buck knows he's right.

"Buck," Hen's voice is quiet, a welcoming contrast to the almost shouting match that Buck and Bobby were having, "I'm sorry it took us this long to realise how badly we treated you, you're right we did dismiss you and we should've never done that. You're a valuable member of the team and I'm - we're," She gestures to the rest of the team, "Sorry that we made you feel less. You're family and family shouldn't treat each other like the way we did to you." She places a gentle hand on his shoulder and Buck repress the urge to cry again.

"I'm so sorry Buck," Chimney's the next to speak, "I'm sorry that we made you feel that, I'm sorry that _I_ made you feel this way. You're like a brother to me and I'm sorry that it took us this long. You were there for me and Maddie when everything happened with Doug. I just hope you can forgive us."

Buck laughs, it's wet and remnants of anger was still present, of course he forgives them, they're his family even if he's not theirs, "Of course I forgive you, you're family and sometimes families make mistakes, but as long as we learn from them, we're good."

Hen and Chim hug him, _hard_ and Buck feels loved after a very long time. Bobby hugs him next, he doesn't hug as hard but Buck appreciates it, it almost fatherly. "I'm sorry Buck, I really am, you deserve better, thank you for talking to us and making us realise our mistakes."

Eddie's next, but he doesn't say anything, the hug barely lasts a few seconds and he's pulling away - he should've known, Eddie was never a touchy, feely type of guy.

"I'll talk to the chief and see what I can do," Bobby speaks.

"I was going to talk to Mackey after this anyway, after the way he behaved, I can't keep him on as my lawyer. I'm dropping it."

Bobby smiles at him, and Buck can finally breathe, the smile wasn't forced, it was a genuine smile.

\---

It was 10 P.M. when Buck get three consecutive knocks on his door. He opens it and was nearly pushed in by Eddie walking through.

"Okay, my turn," Eddie speaks and Buck will gladly listen, he closes the door and faces him, staring expectantly, "This was harder than I thought it was going to be. Right okay, I'm sorry-"

"Wait, where's Chris?" He asks as his mind registers the time.

"He's with _Abueula_ , "Eddie answers with a smile and Buck ignores the summersault his heart does, "Right back to this," He vaguely gestures between them, "I'm sorry for being a shit friend, I should've been there for you after 3 major, life changing events but I wasn't and I'm going to spend the rest of my life making it up to you. You were one of the best things that ever happened to me, you were by my side when everything went down with Shannon, you gave up your time to look after my son. And after she died, you were there for me in ways that my brain didn't comprehend, but I was angry, angry at the world, angry at Shannon, just everything in general. She - She handed me divorce papers before she died, she was going to leave again after everything we went through, she was going to leave Christopher again. Then she died and actually left us, there would be no more phone calls, no more letters and no more photos but you were there for us and I realised you were basically co-parenting my son with me." Buck goes to interrupt, reassure Eddie that he would never try to take Shannon's place in his or Chris's life but Eddie doesn't stop, "When you said you were filing the lawsuit and that we couldn't talk to you, I just felt so angry, it was like losing you but it felt worse. I clearly have issues with abandonment and then we couldn't see you, it just made me so _angry._ I couldn't lose you too, you play such a big part in my life, in Chris's life, I was blindsided. I should've never called you exhausting, because you're not. You give and give and give and barely get anything back, hell you don't expect anything back because that's the type of person you are, I was taking out my frustration at you, I shouldn't ever done that because you deserve better. 

Buck lets out a breath, he definitely wasn't expecting this. "I - I don't know what to say."

"Just anything," His voice pleading, "That you're not mad at me, that you still want me in your life, anything."

"I could never be mad at you Eds," Buck's voice is quiet but it echoes through the empty loft, "We both did things that we're not proud of, and yeah it hurt when you called me exhausting, it did but I know now that you would never mean it, ever. I shouldn't have told that sleazy lawyer anything, I broke your trust in me and I'll spend the rest of my life proving that I deserve your trust." 

"I trust you with my life Buck, I trust you with Chris' life," Eddie reassures him, "I forgive you and I hope you can forgive me; I know you were trying to get back to your job, you were doing your best and I should've been by your side fighting with you, not against you."

"Of course I forgive you, that fact that you had to ask is a bit offensive." Buck laughs, but there was no malice to his words, he would forgive Eddie over and over again.

"Buck," Eddie breathes, and that's when Buck realises that Eddie's moved a lot closer than he was before, if Buck moved an inch their lips would be touching. So he moved. Eddie's still for a second, and then he's kissing Buck back. Everything goes quiet and it's calm, the ranging storm inside him is now merely a drizzle, the anger he felt before, that bit that still lingered dissipated and Buck felt like he was flying. Eddie pulls back first, panting heavily, Buck's fine, only a bit flushed, he could hold his breath much longer than that.

"I know this doesn't fix things," Eddie starts but Buck finishes his sentence for him.

"But, we're heading in the right direction."

**_fin._ **


End file.
